


Brrrrrrr

by WhoInWhoville



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Bananas, Crack, F/M, Humor, Maddam Doo Pompadoor, Referenced - Freeform, and not in a good way, bad kissing technique, bananas are gooooooood, but not a character, good kissing technique, she who must not be named - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9617054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoInWhoville/pseuds/WhoInWhoville
Summary: Rose freezes his banana grove. And that's not a double entendre.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I posted this. Must've only put it up on Tumblr. I think this is old, and I think it was a timepetalsprompt. Maybe? For "cold" or "frozen"?

Rose hears a string of angry words that the TARDIS isn't translating. His footfall is getting closer and closer until finally, he appears in the doorway to her bedroom.

His chest is heaving.

His glasses are fogged up.

His nose and fingers are red.

His blue shirt is covered with -- snow?

“What happened to you?”

He glares for a long while before he speaks.

“They’re frozen. ALL of them. Frostbitten. No not Frostbitten. That's not right. That arboretum is colder than the surface of Hoth!"

“I don't understand."

“The bananas, Rose. My beautiful bananas. It's like Woman Wept in there!"

"Don't cry, Doctor. Don't cry."

"I'm. Not. Crying. That is my frost-frozen hair _melting._ "

He starts seething, sucking and then pushing the air back out through his clenched teeth.

Rose winces. This is never a good sign.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Rose Tyler.” He directs his long, slender finger in her direction. “You have hated that banana grove since the day I finished planting it. You know what I think? I think _you_ turned on the air conditioning. To _twelve._ And that means ZERO KELVIN!"

"So I take that's really cold then?" She cringes.

"Oh yes. And furthermore, the climate cycle was set to tropical monsoon season! It's like walking through a slushy in there for the frozen fog! I-- I-- touched a tree trunk and the whole thing collapsed. Right in front of my feet! Shattered into billions of shards of ice!" 

"Ha," she barked. "Sorta like those banana snow cones we got last week, then?”

"Snow cone? No. This. Is. A. Tragedy."

Rose lays a gentle hand on his arm. "Now calm down. You're gonna have a hearts attack. I may... _strongly dislike_ that banana grove, but you gotta know that I'd never do anything to kill your bananas."

"Somehow I think that "strongly dislike" is a nice way of saying _hate._ "

“I don't hate it. But it’s a bloody shrine to Versailles! You drink your banana daiquiris in the French statue garden. And instead of shrubs and bushes trimmed like little elephants you have banana trees shaped like... Like... More bananas! And you're always going on about bananas at parties! It's bananas this. Bananas that. _Potassium, Rose! Bananas are goooooood,"_ she mimics his black leather voice while crossing her arms.

"Bananas _are_ good! They are veryveryveryvery good. And furthermore, my banana grove isn't modeled after the gardens at Versailles. I have cultivated it in the Villengardian style."

"Looks like Versailles to me," she mutters. "You are obsessed with bananas. Freud would have something to say 'bout that."

They stare at each other stuck at an impasse.

"You used to _love_ bananas. You gladly accepted any banana I had to offer," the Doctor says sadly.

"That was before you went and gave your brilliant banana daiquiri to _her,_ not me." She turned her back on him and harrumphed.

"You're jealous of me sharing my banana daiquiris with the French Court?"

"YES!"

"That was _our_ special thing, Doctor! We always had banana daiquiris by the pool after a hard day. And you go and share with them with-- with-- her! While I was strapped to a table ready to be carved up and bar-b-cued by walking clocks!"

A slow smile grows on his face. "You don't want to share me or my bananas." The Doctor makes a small, self-satisfied sound.

"Yeah. That and the snogging."

"You're jealous of both the banana daiquiris and the snogging?"

"Of course I am!"

"I wouldn't be. I’ll have you know, that woman was _very_ strong. Felt like a Dalek was sucking off my face. But that's beside the point. My bananas have been flash frozen. And all of those lovely yellow skins. Brown." He pouts.

“Don't change the subject. Must have liked _something_ about her face-sucking. I saw the whole thing from the other side of that time window. You looked like you'd just eaten the best banana of your life.”

“History, Rose! How many times have I told you? You have to immerse yourself! Kiss a stranger in Paris! But, her technique was terrible. And when I say terrible, I mean really, really awful."

“And did she taste of banana daiquiris?"

"I seem to remember _you_ doing a bit of snogging, Rose Tyler. Remember that pretty boy you kissed on Reinodan? Crown Prince Ell-Inder?”

She sighed happily. “Yeah. He was a bit pretty wasn’t he? _Really great_ kisser. _Gorgeous_ lips.” She faced him directly. “He said that I tasted like _ripe, juicy peaches_. And now _you_ are changing the subject."

"Peaches are clearly an inferior fruit," he says, ignoring her. "Just look at them wrong and they bruise. Can't put them in a pocket for a party. Now don't get me wrong, Rose. I'm not saying that _you_ are inferior. In fact, I would say that you are the perfect banana in the fruit basket of humanity."

"But when a peach is perfectly ripe, nothing is quite as tempting."

"You kissed the prince."

"And you kissed the king's Little Bit on the Side. I'll take the prince, ta. I was saving your sorry bum, kissing him."

"And a brilliant job you did. While you were skillfully distracting the prince so that the rebels could escape the palace, I observed your technique. Strictly for science, of course. Perfect balance of pressure and release, tender nibbling and roughness, not to mention you neither hoovered nor tongue-tied him.”

Rose gulps.

"You saved my life with one brilliant snog.”

Rose’s cheeks redden.

“Bananas. Great source of potassium, yeah?” She laughs nervously.

"So we are back to the reason I was looking for you in the first place. Bananas."

"Right. Doctor, I'm sorry about the grove. I really didn't mean any harm. I was only trying to play a joke on you. Thought it'd be funny to see you get caught in a cold snap."

“You know, I got those banana tree cuttings in Kyoto."

“Kyoto?” She fiddles with her earring.

His grin is now wicked. "I assume you remember Kyoto. We had banana daiquiris there, too."


End file.
